Grief for one

I'll admit it. I don't feel wonderful today. My grandfather passed away last night. He was 87. He's the handsome guy in the back of the picture. His career in the U.S. Navy spanned three big wars. He flew airplanes and helicopters. He fathered 6 children (my dad is the youngest one standing), all of whom are functioning members of society. He was a great story teller with a quick laugh and a gentle spirit. He and my grandmother were still married yesterday when the Lord took Grandad home.

I know I complain about the unfairness of living single in a double world, but grief is the hardest thing about being alone. I know I should find comfort in my parents and siblings, but I don't. My friends, who are wonderful, amazing people, help. They do. But at the end of the day, I am going to be all alone in the dark with my loss. I will pray, and God will get me through until the sun rises, but it is always with the far-off comfort of someday being in His arms, surrounded by those whom I have lost. Here and now I am alone and I think that this is why my married friends put up with all that crap from their husbands. So when the world falls apart a little, someone will be there to hold them together. Someone will be by their side when everyone else turns to their husband or wife or boyfriend or girlfriend and they won't have to be me. The third or fifth or fifty-seventh wheel borrowing affection from someone who's affection is already spoken for.

I loved my grandfather, but we were never close. We lived half-a-continent apart since I was 2. And I had a great visit with him about a decade ago, before the car accident and the stroke took his mind and his mobility. I am sad, but I am also terrified. How long will it be before the cold body in the room is my mom or dad or brother? How will I ever survive burying a friend? There are ways to shop and cook to make up for the lack of a partner, but I have no suggestions on facing grief alone. It is a cold, horrible place, and the best hope I have is that I will not be here again for a long, long time.